Sleepless Love……

Sleepless nights, thinking of you…

In the crystal of pain, is the evidence

Of how much I loved you!

The days, wept over your deep, distant memories

Are left as symbol of once you were mine!

What is left between U and me?

Nothing but the words that begin to rust and

Dreams which are taken away by the sea

Is it not?????

When you try to move away from me

 With the last pulse of my love…

What I am supposed to call U, my dear??

 As Time Passes……….

I am thinking about my life… how fastly life moves on... ri8? As the time passes it leaves the traits in us like- age, dreams and yeah of course thoughts too. When we were children we did not have much to worry about and we were looking for good toys or teddies in the shop or waiting for a vacation to meet all our cousins to enjoy it at the maximum! Yeah it is a most happy and carefree time ever. What bother us at that time will be the incomplete home works for Mondays and the day when exam papers would be given!

Being a teen is really tough! The thoughts, likes are slowly started to change at this time and yeah the transition from puberty to social cliques, to spots and hormones it truly is the most exciting, nerve-wracking, depressing and exhilarating time of any person’s life is it not?? We might have a feeling that we can do everything if we want and felt that the system is not working properly!  We criticized each and everything (bt we were the most irresponsible person at that time.) .and feel that it’s ok to rebel and yeah we are dared to stand up and say it is ****. We hate restrictions like hell and always had a tendency to break the rules too. At some point of time we may want to marry a person who is gonna against the systems and institution or a person who may drunk but still can sing “nagaram nagaram maha sagaram..:)” well, without any slip of tongue :P  …

I am really wondered when looking back,  is that me who wanted to marry a bangle seller ( coz I loved bangles very much), a hotel owner( coz I loved non veg food that much) a floweriest, and a  fisher man at different stages in my life.. (Thank god I did not ;))  I know everyone had such crazy dreams in their life...

One of my friends said that during his college days he was interested to read the cinema and sports pages in news papers.  But after the college days, he preferred to read educational pages and yeah obviously opportunities but now he is eagerly waiting for the property plus, which once he had thought is a sheer waste!  Yes!  As the time passes our concerns are slowly turns to something else... I do not know what magic it is! How come a mindset suddenly or slowly changes to something which we never bothered about once!

During a casual talk with my friend, the price hike of vegetables … was accidently turns the topic on... I was really wondering how come a cinema, gossips (everything under the sky we used to discuss bt never stumbled across these topics ever) talks turns suddenly to the price hike on!!  We will automatically start to give importance to something which we never think one day we may! beginning to compromise..(Till then compromise was not there in our dictionary: P) , started to worry about the tidbits like gas cylinder, electric bill, phone bill etc etc…   yeah of course apart from friends, we gives importance to relatives too( till then our world is friends only… did not even bother to call those people,)   Yeah.. It is time that makes the difference... As the time passes, we change naturally, not purposefully but it happens…!

• P.S In our teenage we may feel that it is better to grown up fast  and to be settled with job is fine.. But after on the track with full suit, we long for what we lost!

Take life as it comes…..

“I wanted to become a journalist” that was my answer when my dad’s friend asked me about what do you want to become, after tenth results. {(Yes I feel that fire inside me... getting lost fully in letters! enjoying the busy schedules in the desks!! working with no time bound.. was something that fascinates me.. besides enjoying the satisfaction and privilege of being a part of Fourth Estate) yeah I realized the business mask of media behind its service attitude and even though I am ware that it is nothing but the business only.. something is there that attracts me to it like a iron rod to the magnet} … But I took biology as main in plus two. . At that time I wanted to do UG in chemistry and wanted to do something on that stream itself, for the two years of SKP life had changed my attitude that much. But I am destined to do something else..   So after that, I took literature, which I never wanted, or in fact forced to do due to some reasons…I never know where life could have taken me at that time.  I still believe that was the worst time in life I have ever come across, so far.

After that three years.. What was next would be a big question before me.. Again that journalism wish has budding inside me.. So I decided to go for that. Everybody in my family opposed to it, except my dad and brother (my mom also was on the opposition side, telling that kind of risky jobs are not good for girls). I am really blessed to have such a family who have given me damn support and strength in situations, where everyone wants their children to be doctors and engineers.. They give more priority to my wish... That should be  something appreciated, I guess. I wrote only two exams- one for Mascom and the next for Amrita. I got selected in Amrita and yeah…fortunately or unfortunately we were the first batch of “ASCOM”. And those two years taught me a lot….both academically or not.

I was the only student who chooses Print as main in the beginning and I still remember how stern I was on my decision, even though our mam had shown a bit hesitation to start class with only one student from PG, other than the PGDJ students. She tried to make me understand the difficulties that I need to face in the second year. But still I was firm on my decision.. Coz I have that much passion towards it. I started to write about the subject I feel like and some of them were strike out in the rough draft itself...  I remember how excitingly and passionately I did the development story on Kalpathy Heritage Village and an investigative story on the accidents. But again fate has reserved something else for me and I ended up in an entirely different field of Advertising. Even though it was not my passion (yeah I know I am not that much creative too), I was able to fulfill responsibilities that was trusted up on my shoulders, against all my expectations.  I need to say adieu to that job after 6 months for some other reasons (but by that time I started to love what I used to do).

Now again in a different domain - content writing (yeah all are connected indirectly).. Yeah here I can write something...Some time can be able to give voice to my feelings too. And after getting in to this job only, I started blogging (yeah it gives a kind of relaxation and freedom to express what I feel or in fact I am satisfying myself for which I could not do)

This is not my case only.. I know… there are many, who are doing something else, keeping aside their passion and feelings in one corner of their mind, coz of so many reasons. Here job satisfaction has thrown in to dustbin and we are trying to put the label of “being practical” on it (yeah we all are work for money . So we are trying to satisfy our brain , not mind..So most of the people including me, trying to love what I am doing rather than  what I love to do)  I have a friend who started to study Journalism from her plus two onwards.. coz of the passion. (In her own words “journalism is there in her blood”) But now she is working in an entirely different world… but yeah I know that she still keeps that  fire and  love inside her mind..

As somebody said... Life is like that only.. It always surprises you! Some dreams will be fulfilled.. Some may slip through the fingers…knowingly or unknowingly..At times it reserves unexpected happiness for you by gifting you something which you never long for ever. What I learnt so far is__it is better to take the life as it comes… So there won’t be any regrets at the end of the day.

Getting connected with 1100…..

The very first thing is life is important to us ri8? The first day at school, college, first love, the very first kiss, the day we first wore a pattupavada, the very first day when the pimple come out of the soft skin in the teenage years, and how friends try to make fun out of that, everything is kept inside the heart as our favorites like the  Lucky Red Seeds..Yeah every seed is a memory but the very first one has got some importance, it has a magic of remembrance… never make us to forget. !!

Yeah... I want to talk something else but see …my thoughts end somewhere as always. Today amidst of my work I have come across a very nice article, it make me think. It is about the mobile phone addiction of teenagers.  It talks about a survey conducted by The Associated Chambers of Commerce and Industry of India (ASSOCHAM). It says that adolescents of 15-18 years of age and found that 88% of them possess mobile phones as against 40% of teenagers aged 13-15 years who actually use them. Also 66 % of them between 16- 18 years of age have a tendency to flaunt a mobile phone while at school tuition or public places. Is it not shocking? Yeah it is true that with the increase of facilities, using mobile phone is more like a habitual addiction. Anyway it is clichéd subject and I am not gonna talk about that.

Everyone in this world has his or her most valuable asset in life, so called thing that he or she cannot live without. I too have…. not one but many. And yeah mobile phone is one among them for sure! I also was  addicted to mobile phone in my college days.  I was addicted to messaging like anything in those days..late night messages, early morning messages, messaging in between the boring classes, seminars.. etc.( but now I feel making calls is better than sending a messages..) It was a way of communication, sharing something.  You know something, when we were going out for reporting, even the number of miscalls were used as a means of communication (most of the times our balance was very low: P) most of the times we had used mobile phones… while eating, attending classes and even taking a bath, while travelling etc. somebody was always there to message or call or at least drop a miscall.  But after the college days … the student life has got over…. My phone has got silent... no more late night messages, no more missed calls… sometimes I feel yeah not only me but my phone also was missing college days.

Even after I got a new mobile with all the new features like dual sim card, camera, so and so... I still love and feel more comfortable with my 1100 Coz it is my first phone... And I got it from my dad.  I learnt to send messages, to make calls from that only. 1100 Nokia model...... As the tag lines say... it connected me to the entire world- my friends, my relatives, colleagues!! It was the best companion I ever had.( and it is ) “The best user friendly phone” one of my friends used to say. And of course it is true only. She also prefers to use that one even if she had a Motorola set with her.

Like a very close friend that phone knows all my mood variations. (May be coz that it won’t broken up when I throw it out while am angry:P). Was with me all the time, used to wake me up in the mornings and from afternoon naps, keep me entertained with messages and miscalls… 

Still I have that phone with me reminding me to wake up in the mornings, producing beep beep sounds to make me feel that some of my friends and colleagues are still remember me to send messages.   Even if I get a phone with all the facilities, I am sure, that 1100 Nokia basic model would be my ever time favourite. Coz… the very first thing cannot be forgotten ri8? :) 

  Days that never get back…..

Hearing music while doing work is my habit!!(Yeah I would probably call it as my working styleJ). Nowadays earphones are indispensable thing for me like air or water etc: P ... I used to listen the online radios and of course some music sites too.  Today I have got a mail from my childhood friend (Ram) telling me that he had send a letter to a famous FM and asked me to go through the recorded version. While hearing the RJs reading out that letter, my mind flew away to child hood days. I still remember a little girl who is very anxiously and playfully tuned the stations only to hear different sounds! And sometimes wondering who was speaking inside that box!  I don’t know where that huge radio, that taught me to sing and make me dreamt went away. My dad had given to somebody else to repair and it had gone to somewhere with lots of memories!!!

In my childhood days, radio was the star. I can still call back how eagerly my grand mom was waiting for the news and how anxiously we children, waiting for the “sabhdharekha” in Sundays! That was the only way of entertainment in those days. Now I wonder how well we could recognize the actors, fights etc only from sounds! And undoubtedly it paves the way for imagination. Now also I can remember “aakshavani.. samprithi vartha ha shuyanatham. Pravachakaha Varadevandha Sagaraha” the only Sanskrit I know even now.:)

My grand mom was really addicted to the radio in those days. In fact her routine is tuned to the radio, I feel. She used to keep her black radio with antenna on the dining table in kitchen.  I sometimes feel irritated the sounds of radio in mornings, coz I wanted to sleep more, but she would not allow me to sleep saying that girls should wake up at least at 6 o’clock. {(That was the main reason I did not like to stay with her and yeah she used to insist that I should always be in and around her; did not allow me to go out and play with others and I hate that too coz I had all the freedom to do whatever I want in my home. But now I know all those were come out of love only.  It is a late realization... Coz she is not with us now…to love me, to teach me the old songs, to scold me and at last to irritate me with her love...) I know I start with radio and ends with something else... I don’t know why my thought goes widely sometimes.} .

She used to put the radio on sharp at 6.00 am. I used to hear all the programs while lying on bed. I can recall those programs even now. It goes like this- 06.00:  subhashitham 06:05: English news 06:10 Bhakthi ganangal 06:35 karshika varthakal 06:40 advtmnt 06:45 Pradeshika varthakal 06:55 Sanskrit news. When the news in Sanskrit began, ie at 6.50 am, the radio got silent and I knew itz time for breakfast. And the way she ate breakfast also in a special way. She used to eat in the dried leaf of plantain. The smell of onion chutney that kept in the uri and the dosai in the plantain leaf!! I can feel that smell now and it makes water in mouth

.

Even after we bought TV, she likes her radio very much and prefers that only. She relies more on radio and I saw her rarely watching TV. She used to carry the radio with her even she comes to our home too. Now I feel that may be that is the only companion she had in that huge house, (she always prefers to live alone) to make her entertained, to make her believe that she was not alone. May because of that she was attached to it like anyone.

Now I had that radio with our home, I do not know where it kept … may be in the almirah where we used to keep the old books and all. But still it is working J anyway after hearing that letter, I have decided, this time when I go home, I  am gonna take that radio with me to here in  Chennai, with lots of memories.

Yes! This letter reminds me the days that I spent with her. I don’t know where all those people vanished- the dhobi women who usually washes the white and heavy cloths, a Pandaram who used to come with a sound similar to crying, in the noon…!, the bangle seller “chinnamma”, who comes in the first Sunday of almost every month with a heavy baggage on her head..  Now I can’t run my hands over the jasmine shrub that dotted bael tree too. It also has disappeared with time! {But I am here!! (The little girl inside me, who is not grown up at all,) is searching for something in these memories!! } All those have become memories only. Yes that is what Time will leave in the autograph of our life! That is what left for us at the end of the day to cry, to dream and to live too!!

Somebody is singing inside the radio …”kaiyethum doore oru kuttikalam……. Mazhavellam pole oru kuttikalam..” 

Kartikadeepam Theliyumpol.......

Manasilvedeyo oru kuttikalam thudi kotti unarunnu....

Ormakalil  chandana gandham pakarnnu...

swanthmayathu athumatramennu......Kalam....

October..........

October I deserted you ..

Why are you such a pain?

Tears dried

Thoughts choked

Dreams left me…

Not even a terrible dream…..

I Am longing …

October you gave nothing but tears…

I can only feel the abyss!!

I wish if it rains and

Washed off my painful memories…

And made me dull cold and gloomy...

Left me muddy and wet!!

Hello Chennai........

I had never been to Chennai… untill I got married. When I decided to move to Chennai... I was not sure what to expect from this city even though I had been to Tamil Nadu for the last two years.  Concerns are many like “language! Conservative people! Food! Etc etc … one of my friends who had been to Chennai warned me “The Chennai weather sucks! It will be hot like hell especially in April and May and yeah of course I came here in a hot summer. (No need to say summer and all as it is always hot here!) I was really struggled to adapt the climate here. And in those days... I had a feeling that yeah Chennai is hot and sultry and it’s humid and its complete turn off for anyone... and I always had a tendency to compare each and everything that I had in Kerala and felt like missing my home town in all aspects!!!

 I’ve been here more than six months now, and I don’t know now I have a feeling that after all those ill feelings, I am started to love this “busy” city!  I like their rich culture and tradition, the busy shopping malls, temple in every nook and corner , their tone of language…… their vegetarian food…( even though I am a pure non vegetarian and feel sad about here I could not find a good non veg  restaurant other than those busy costly shops in Spencer  or in n city center or  Kumarakam, the so called “Kerala food” restaurant   where we had lunch in almost all weekends)  ) especially “curd rice”…  you know something I have started cooking with gingerly oil too.. Thanks to my Tamil colleague who taught me to cook some rice with gingerly oil.  I always feel that there is nothing more invigorating than the smell of freshly brewed filter coffee, which permeates in the streets of village in the morning and evenings.  Now I am waking up to the smell of filter kappi, “suprabhatham song” and the “kolam” than to my phone buzzing. I just love the evening walk in the jasmine or chrysanthemum smelled thoroughfares in our village.

I admired Chennai for allowing all kinds of people to get along and to lead a life that is suited to them. We can meet mal, northi, telgu etc here in one train or bus or whatever.  But I hate Chennai for the crooked auto drivers,( auto’s in Chennai suck, they fleece and cheat people and they are rude to them.. if you know the language, you can blow them down, otherwise the reverse may happen all the time) share autos, irregular buses, lack of distinct bilingual sign boards ( as I always   heard people found difficulty  to read the Tamil script get to the destination as  most of the street signs are in Tamil, except the “speed thrills but kills” kind of stuff) , and yeah of course their  partiality towards the language{(even though I have benefited that I am from Palakkad as they love us, only coz of the a bit Tamil culture we are belong to ) if you know Tamil, you will be benefited here for sure! }

But apart from the wind and wheel there is something in this city that makes us love her very much. This city taught me a lot of things like the language, and most importantly: to love the city where we are supposed to live in, mould me in such a way to love and accept the city and people the way they are.  Now I know it is Chennai only and not Kerala or whatever and Thank god it is not.

Chennai the city which colored the cinema dreams of many, city of karnatic music, called as the city of everything…… but what I feel is yeah nothing is here….  if you see the busy streets in T nagar and the long beach and the Spencer plaza too yes! That is all about Chennai. That is what I feel at the end of the day...

People, including new friends, colleagues, neighbors and sometimes complete strangers, who have gone out of their way to make me feel welcome here. People who have ensured that I have never felt like a stranger and never will…

Thank you all……

And lastly, Chennai I love you for what you are... and I too love myself for what I am when I am with you…….

Down the Memory lane..............

After office, on my way to home, I have come across so many people...for I have to pass through two markets!  The streets in Chennai are now crowded with the crackers! Every now and then you can hear the sound of crackers!  I have met so many people in train with a long shopping bags, sweet boxes etc… all these rush reminds me that the Diwali has come …. It is near! I do not know… the customs of Diwali… and I have never celebrated one yet! This time, for the first time I am In Chennai and I hope we will celebrate it!

I don’t know why they have not lit lights in and around the home, as Diwali also known as the festival of lights! It seems they will do it only on “karthikavilakku”. Anyway it is new information for me!  And I never understand that theory tooJ One of my friend told that there are so many customs or in fact rituals associated with Diwali. Like the oil bath with Ubtan, preparation of sweets, poojas, wearing new cloths, (and she added that watching TV, can’t avoid too, yeah it was funny! But yes that is what happened in our society) so and so… it reminds me of something!

These bursting sounds of crackers reminds of our celebration in Vishu in Kerala! How we used to celebrate those Vishu, Onam and all the festival in the child hood. We were eagerly waiting for that to get pocket money from all the relatives...  And it was time of family reunion too. Everybody would be there at ancestral home…. The feast, swinging with cousins, silly fights, jokes, the new dress, loud noises, afternoon plays like police and thief, hide and seek, eerupanthu , thaayam, etc …  I feel I lost that joy, pleasure everything that I had in my  childhood!   Now we rarely have such occasions of get together! Now I feel almost every festival is more like any other day. The thrills, joys, anticipation everything has slowly disappearing! I don’t know how it happens! That was the days we enjoyed a lot, forgetting all those worries about exams, silly fights and all. But today, what we do is to sit before the television and watch the programs and do change the channel when ad comes! Where is that spirit of enjoyment?  I also don’t know, in fact I am also in search of where I lost it?

I think I missed that pooja holidays too…. when I asked about celebration details to my neighbor, she said “not holidays, it is for school children only”! Yes that is the moment I desperately want my college days to be back! Really want it back! And this time I had not even kept the books before god, for the Pooja!  I realize that the spirit also has gone with the memories… too! When I saw children bursting crackers, I remember those days with rolling cap and gun! Yeah it was really fun! I know I can’t go back to those days! What I can do now is to relax in a chair, close the eyes and have a silent travel through those nostalgic days! Yes that is enough for me! I thank god, I have at least those memories, left with me to dream!  

ഒരു പ്രണയത്തിന്‍റെ ബാക്കിപത്രം.

വിതുമ്പലി ല്‍ഒതുക്കിയ ഒരു യാത്രാമൊഴി മാത്രം തന്ന്

നീയും അകലുന്നു..
ഓര്‍മകളിലെവിടെയോ  നിന്നെ ഉപേക്ഷിക്കാന്‍ 
എന്തോ എനിക്കായില്ല
കാരണം ഞാന്‍ എപ്പോഴോ നിന്നെ സ്നേഹിച്ചിരുന്നു ...
എന്നിലെ  നിന്നെ  പ്രണയിച്ചിരുന്നു........


ഇപ്പോള്‍ ... 


വിട  പറയാതിരിക്കാന്‍ എല്ലാ കാരണങ്ങളും 
അവസാനിക്കുമ്പോള്‍   .....
അകല്‍ച്ചയുടെ ഭ്രൂണം നമ്മുക്കിടയില്‍ 
വളരുന്നതും ... പെരുകുന്നതും  നാമറിയുപോള്‍ ...


ഇനി 


നിനക്ക്  എന്നെ  മറക്കാം ....
എവിടെയോ  കണ്ട പുറം  കാഴ്ച്ചപോള്‍  എന്നേക്കുമായി ഉപേക്ഷിക്കാം.....

Its raining Outside.............................

Add caption

when am siting before the system.... ma mind is empty, even if i have a lot to write.. i can't write even a single letter..sometimes I wonder how can i be truthful to my career being so moody at times... Obviously it will reflect ma words... ma thoughts... I know all those things.. But i can't change  those habits or in fact the mood swings in me... Is it called a writer's dilemma? i don't know... may be this can also be called .. 

I can see the raindrops in the  window glass...and i wish to be in rain... but i can't.... for as everybody said am a "grown up" girl... sometimes not even a girl, but a "women"....I always wondered what is that "grown up" meant? Is it not a restriction to all those thing which i  i like to do.......  i want to protest against all these notions... but i know.. what the result i will get at the end of the day__ a rebellious girl who always won't agree what the elders would say... or always go against them.... Usual red mark would be drawn under my name.... 


Memories pull me back  to the school days where i can enjoy the rain in its all meaning..The hide-and-seek  play of sun with the clouds. The wet thoroughfares... wet school uniform, bag..... hot coffee...morning and evening rains.... the paddy fields from where  i had lost my umbrella in one of the a heavy rain day followed by mom's scoldings.The rain there was so noisy, for the roof of the backyard house is with tin! i just loved that sound..May be, in  any of those days i had  the realization  of moods and sounds of rain..and my love towards rain began in those days....


Anyway all those are memories only.... Now what i do is .....whenever the  wind comes up, and then it starts raining,  I jump out of bed and run around and close all the windows,which usually open at  night to let the breeze come through the bedroom.,before the rain came and touches me, coz of  some one else's compulsion
My heart slowly whispers :_


Ratri mazhe ninnodu najn parayatte
ninte ekanthamam sangeethamariyunnu njan
ninte alivum, amarthunna roshvum
iruttathu varavum thanichu thengi karachilum
pulariyethumpol mukham thudachulla nin
chiriyum thidukkavum natiyvum njan ariyunnu
ariyunna thenthukondennal njannumithupole..... 
Rathrimazhapole.......


. Still its raining outside... fascinating me.... as she always did...

An enterely different Karan Johar Filmmmmmm

A commercially successful, massively scaled mainstream film that doesn’t just make a song and dance of it all could certainly change Bollywood forever. Of all.. at last Johar has made a move to deviate from the ususal masala film... it has a strong message to convey... that all the men.. who has a beard is not at all a terrorist.. yeah .. ofcourse... Islam is a religion that teach us how to love... how to love the fellow beings... and is it true or is there any sense of blaming all the muslim for commiting the crime....??? when i saw the film at come to ma mind is about a news paper news..a muslim mom is denied to see her son, when she cam eto knw that he is a terroroist.. that kind of attitude have to be appreciable,,,, bt wt we do is we are blind to that kind of facts... and always blame otrs.... .. ’m glad Johar also made that move. Sure, this movie’s a risk. ........... Don't miss it.....
love, pain,music................. yes.... definitely it s a journey of a common man......... for the extraordinary journey for LOVE